In the words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.” Yes, I’m really going there, and for an important reason. You wouldn’t believe how many plus-size women feel alone in their struggles with self-consciousness during intimacy. Me included.
While we’re pretty comfortable opening up about most things having to do with our bodies, we feel that talking about sex is embarrassing, wrong or taboo. Why? We have been programmed since childhood that “people like us” shouldn’t have these conversations. Consequently, we don’t talk about it at all.
This is a huge mistake. Talking about sex is one of the most important things plus-size women can do to find that confidence we all desperately long for. It really is.
Think about it like this…
When we hide our true feelings, our sex lives suffer. We do absurd things to hide our fears, which brings about a great sense of shame. We prop ourselves up in “perfect positions” that hide our flaws. We wear the most concealing yet sexy lingerie we can find, and dread taking it off. We even hide our curves by turning out the lights on our toughest days. (Yep, I’ve done that. Have you?) And worst of all, we’re terrified to assume a “top” position because this is when we feel most exposed.
The thing is, not all plus-size women worry the way we do. Take my dear friend Carmen Rene, for example. Quite frankly, she could care less if things sag and jiggle. And yes, I’ve spent quite a lot of time drilling her on this. In fact, she’s so confident that she poses nearly naked on Instagram to teach us all a lesson: Big bodies are sexy, too.
Before some of you get all judgy on me, I’m going to tell you something. Every time she posts a picture of a sensitive nature, women just like us come forward with all the things we’re afraid to really say. For example, one woman commented on the picture you’re going to see in a moment and said: “If I ever catch myself in the mirror in this position, I end up torturing myself for how I look.” Another said: “This makes me happy, mostly because I never see these kinds of pics and that makes me feel scared of being in this situation myself. Thank you for posting.”
Now for the pic that engaged readers to share these comments.
Big shout out to Carmen here. We don’t see pictures like this enough. Just by seeing this, you probably feel umpteen zillion times less alone. Carmen is, in her own words, “a big girl.” And to top it off, her partner, Kahari, is thin. She’s not worried that he’ll judge her thighs, stomach, or the volume of her breasts. She’s actually enjoying herself, which is something many of us don’t know how to do.
You can’t get to this point if you don’t acknowledge your feelings and open up. It’ll circle your mind like a great white shark and bite you in the ass in the long run. Feeling big, self-conscious and less than sexy are all really tough things to process. You wouldn’t process something serious like a job loss on your own, would you? So why in the world would you try to process self-consciousness in the bedroom by yourself?
I encourage you to do exactly what I did. Get with one of your plus-size best friends and put it all out there on the table. Andrea (my best friend and Curvicality’s VP/Fashion Editor) and I do this all the time. She’s more like Carmen in this regard. And ladies, just by talking to her, I’m able to challenge and change any negative thoughts that go through my head. This in itself has changed my body image in general.
Obviously, you need to talk to your partner too. Sex is a two-way street. The ability to talk to your partner about how you feel, and how being exposed makes you feel, helps to build security. If you can’t talk to them, you shouldn’t be in that relationship anyway. Anyone worth your time is going to love you just as you are. They find you attractive because you’re you.
So please, start this conversation. Open up. You deserve to feel confident about who you are. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. Worrying sets you up for depression and self-hate. Ditch the fear. You’re beautiful just as you are.
Remember this. There’s no shame in being plus-size. Shame comes from hiding the truth about how we feel. When you take secrets out of the equation, you open yourself up for a greater level of pleasure during intimacy than you could have ever imagined.
Have that talk. I promise you’ll be glad you did.
Please share your comments about positive body image during intimacy below. We’d love to hear your feedback.
