Long bangs are bangin’
Long bangs are HOT this season! We’ll be seeing long, shaggy bangs everywhere this spring. By “everywhere,” we mean the grocery store, because that’s the only place any of us will be going for a while. Bobby pins are the must-have hair accessory. To get the look, push your long bangs away from eyes and secure them out of the way with a bobby pin or two, or however many it takes to keep your bangs from getting caught in your mask.
Two-tone for all!
In recent seasons, the ombre look has been big. You remember that fad — involving one color at the top and another color further down? This look has come roaring back bigger than ever, thanks to the pandemic. There are several variations. Some gals will rock the brown roots and blond length, while others will go with gray roots and brunette, red or blond lengths. You simply can’t go wrong. All you have to do is stop coloring your hair cold turkey and this style will appear as if by magic.
Did someone say ‘Hairspray’?
Because you cannot get your hair shaped and trimmed, you are probably fighting unruly hair. But there is a way to tell your wayward hair who is boss. Did you attend an ‘80s theme party anytime in the last year or two? The good news is you probably have a nearly full can of glue-like hairspray somewhere. Go rummaging through the back of your bathroom cabinet and find it. This product, when purchased in the ‘80s concrete formulation, allows you to force your hair to stay exactly where you put it. You’ve seen those pictures of “mall hair” taken back in 1984, in which bangs went soaring far above girls’ heads and did not move no matter what? Yes, you can re-capture that style now, just as you’ve always dreamed of!
Another style we’ll see a lot of this spring is the choppy look. This is an easy do-it-yourself project. To get this style, start with several tequila shots. As we all know, tequila bestows unmatched courage and confidence in any part of life. (Remember how tequila has previously helped you believe you could definitely be successful at approaching that hottie who is very out of your league? Turns out it also works to instill self-confidence in cutting your hair.) To get started, watch any YouTube hair tutorial. Any video at all will do; a bad one is just as useful as a good one, because you’re not going to be able to follow it after the third shot anyway. Finally, locate a pair of scissors. No, you definitely do not need a good pair of professional hair-cutting shears. The rusty pair you last used to cut wrapping paper will do great, as will the dull cuticle scissors in the old manicure set Aunt Patty gave you for your birthday seven years ago. Just chop, chop and chop some more, a little at a time, until you sober up and shout OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? Choppy hair looks absolutely amazing with any face shape. In fact, we can guarantee that everyone who sees your new look will be very, very amazed. You’ll draw so many stares.
#Coronahair don’t care
If you have long hair that’s all one length, and you don’t color it, you might be quietly gloating as you continue to wear your hair in an attractive ponytail that’s all one color. Just so you know, however, the rest of us think you’re a bitch.
The fortunate ones among us may have a wig we can tuck our out-of-control hair into. I myself have a crazy wig I wear each year for Halloween, when I always dress up like a witch. (I go as a witch because it’s so easy; I already look a lot like one the other 364 days of the year, so it’s not much of a stretch.) It’s a great witch wig because it’s a long shock of unruly, unstyled hair. But at this point, it looks better than my real hair, so on it goes. (If you’re in the grocery store this spring and you see a witch cackling as she scores the last roll of toilet paper, that’s me.)
Change it up!
Were you thinking of growing out your gray, growing out your bangs, growing out anything at all? This is the best opportunity you will ever have. Go for it.
Hats are your friend
You know how in classic old black and white movies, everyone always wears hats? There’s a reason for that. In the olden days, women lacked hair dryers, curling irons, straight irons, mousse, gel and most other products that are required to make hair look good. They had setting gel and they had rollers. That was it. So women would get a wash and set once a week, and then they had to live with that hair all week. All week. The same unwashed hair. Think about that. Now you know why they wore hats: It was to hide their hideous hair! The same technique will work for you. Find a hat and keep the danged thing on until the salons can reopen.
Yes, we know. When we’re able to come see you again, it’s going to be a terrible shock for you. You will essentially be running triage — which case is the most desperate? Is it the bad roots here, the terrible bangs there, or the home dye job gone wrong in the corner? When the time comes, we are counting on you to put in 18-hour days to save as many of us as you can. One hopes the authorities will open up the hair salons a week before anything else is open, so we can all re-enter society with decent hair. Be kind. Tell us we did a good job taking care of our own hair. This is one time when lying is the only moral choice.
Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Do you have #coronahair? Share your pics with everyone — if you dare — in the comments!