Yeah, I’ve done that. I bet you have, too.
This was the story of my life. And let me tell you, these feelings ran deep.
I am a tall woman, 6 feet tall to be exact. I’m full-figured. When I walk into a room, people notice.
Several years ago, there was a time when I really struggled with my body image to the point that I wished I could hide. My mom was sick, and then she died. I had to begin the process of raising my younger siblings, who were 8 and 13 at the time. I was just 33.
Like many women do, I emotionally ate to dull the pain. You name it, I ate it. I went from fast food joint to fast food joint time and time again.
I gained 50 pounds over a three-year period. I would go to a store to try on clothes, and the sizes just kept going up. In fact, I remember walking down the street and noticing my reflection in a window. “You look disgusting,” I thought. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
I hated my body. This was my reality.
I remember trying Weight Watchers while my mother was sick and feeling sad and embarrassed. As I listened to the other members, I struggled to even get up and speak because I felt like a fool. “Why am I even here?” I thought. I just wanted to leave.
Right after my mom died, I joined a gym to try to reverse the damage I had done. I was scared to get on the machines. I would look at the people running and feel inadequate. I could barely get to 30 minutes of walking without stopping, much less run.
I would walk into the locker rooms and envy the thin women standing next to me. Over and over, I would ask myself “When will that be me?”
I didn’t understand that diets weren’t the answer.
The problem wasn’t my weight. It was how I felt about myself internally. It was how I viewed myself when I looked in the mirror.
Like many people, I have a stress eating issue. When I go through these periods in my life, I fail to appreciate who I am and my own journey.
Why do we as women do this to ourselves? I don’t mean the stress eating. I mean the shame. Why do we allow ourselves to be last while others go first?
I know I’m not alone here.
My story might not be like yours exactly, but I want you to know this: Your body is worth loving just as it is. When your size fluctuates, no matter where you are in your journey … you are worthy of love.
But back to my story.
My journey to body love started in the strangest of ways. I decided to try a senior aqua aerobics class at my gym. Yes, I was 33 and everyone else was pushing 70.
And I know what you’re thinking: “Girl, you can put on a swimsuit but you can’t get on the machines?” Well, I figured it was full of senior citizens so they weren’t going to look at me, right? I could just go find my corner and stay there.
There I stood in my senior citizens’ class with two retired women. We’ll call them Mary and Lisa. Mary was a thick woman in her late 60s with blonde (obviously dyed) hair. Her geriatric doctor had told her she needed to get aqua fit to battle her health issues.
Lisa, on the other hand, was the eclectic sort. She was stern, serious, and wore a hearing aid. In order for her to hear you, YOU HAD TO TALK REALLY LOUD. Of course, I was pretty much the only one in the pool who didn’t have compromised hearing.
The thing I didn’t know was that these women would literally save my life. There’s a kind of wisdom that comes with age that I did not have at the time.
They did.
From Self-Hate to Self-Love
The longer I went to the class, the more I was embraced. The entire class became one big family atmosphere in which I grew and thrived. (And may I add, a lot of these women joined the class because they thought the younger 50-something trainer was fine as hell. Who says your sex drive has to go when you age!)
One day, Lisa and Mary invited me to Starbucks around the corner. This became a three-day-a-week tradition. Soon after, I began to get lunch invites, birthday party invites, and even a 70th birthday invite to a party on top of a swanky, vintage hotel. (Of course, just about everybody from class was in attendance.)
What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to take that first step, even when you’re feeling body shame. You never know what’s on the other side. Had I not accepted that invitation to Starbucks, things would not have changed for me. I might never have started feeling better.
Lisa and Mary loved me, hugged me and gave me the support I needed in those difficult times of mourning the loss of my mom and taking on the duty of raising my young siblings. My self-hate grew back to self-love because I surrounded myself with positive people. When my mind got better, my whole perspective changed — and my body image began to improve.
The moral of the story is that loving yourself has nothing to do with your size.
Truth be told, you don’t know the struggles of people around you unless you know them personally. Too many times we go by what we see, but everyone has a deeper story to them. Even the women you think look “perfect” may struggle with how they feel about themselves.
The first step to body positivity is accepting who you are, ladies. Accept your quirks, imperfections, body rolls, moles, stretch marks … all of it. Just because you might change your body does not mean that your mental and emotional state will improve.
You have to understand that you are amazing just as you are. Once you do that, confidence comes naturally. Surround yourself with people who will celebrate you and encourage you to love yourself just as you are. Find your own Lisa and Mary.
Six to eight months after I started that famous aqua aerobics class, I mustered up the courage to join a cardio kickboxing class. I remember the words of my instructor, Laverne. She would say: “Stop looking at what other people are doing! This is YOUR workout.”
Embrace How Incredible You Are
In other words, keep your eyes and mind on yourself. Body positivity is about embracing how incredible you are and minimizing body comparisons. Then, when you are ready, do your own personal self-evaluation and make changes you deem necessary. We all have things about ourselves that we need to change (and no, ladies, I’m not talking about diets) or that we can improve upon.
So, my curvy comrades, do not self-hate. Praise your victories! Treat yourself well! Keep a positive word in your mouth, even if you have to have a daily conversation with yourself. Or, write various positive quotes on sticky notes to have around your house to remind you of this.
Most of all, remember that God made you, and He makes no mistakes. Even if you’re not a spiritual person, find faith in a higher power in life. Believe that you are amazing just as you are.
Your body does amazing things. Don’t shame it. Love it just as it is. It is there that you will find the path to body positivity.
About the Author: Kandis Draw is on the advisory board of Curvicality. She is a cancer support advocate, classical pianist, and lover of all things sparkly.
