There are about three good things that can come of winter. One of these is Christmas, and it’s over. One of them is winter sports, but anything that’s fun in winter is more fun in summer. (I will fight you on this: Water skiing is better than snow skiing.) Some people will try to tell you of the wonders of sitting by a roaring fire, drinking hot cocoa and reading murder mysteries, but I promise you, it’s a million times better to sit on a beach, drinking a pina colada and reading trashy novels. (Preferably one of mine! Look me up.)
To me, winter means slick roads and sidewalks, cold feet, scraping snow and ice off your windshield, having to wear multiple layers of clothing just to avoid dying and having to shovel snow. Do these things sound fun to you? No, they do not, unless you are a masochist. (If you’re a masochist, go find a kinky sadist, but leave the weather out of it, you weirdo.)
I can think of only one thing that might possibly have a slightly greater appeal in winter, and that is staying in bed all day and having cozy hibernation sex.
All you need is a cold, wintry day, a comfy bed with fresh linens, an Agreeable Lover and a day off work without any obligations. These conditions are tough for many of us to meet. “I won’t be in today; I’ll be too busy screwing” does not fly with most bosses, and if you have kids you will need to line up a sitter. You’ll also have to figure out for yourself how to make sure all the stuff you normally do all day can be left undone. (Catch up on your laundry the day before, and call ahead to see if your favorite pizza place will, for a sufficient tip, agree to have the delivery person let himself or herself in, come upstairs, and place the pizza just outside your bedroom door.)
Then, and only then, can you indulge yourself in a day of doing nothing but banging and napping.
Here, then is the Curvicality Guide to Hibernation Sex:
- Get everything ready. Stock your bedside table with sustenance. I recommend a bottle of wine, a pitcher of water (if you do this right, you’ll get thirsty) and plenty of snacks. Don’t get the kind of snacks that leave crumbs in the bed. Maybe some fudge or other leftover holiday chocolates if you haven’t eaten them already. (This is a joke; of course you have eaten them all already. They were gone by New Year’s Eve, right? But maybe you bought some more special chocolates after the holiday when they were marked down.)
- Do you need any special sex supplies? Condoms? Massage oil? Lube? Viagra? Toys? Handcuffs? No judgment here. Get another bedside table, if necessary, for ancillary supplies.
- We will assume you have the Agreeable Lover all lined up. A spouse will do nicely, but if you don’t have one, there are, we recently learned to our amazement, entire websites devoted to helping you find an Agreeable Lover! Hey, have you heard of Tinder? (We know! We couldn’t believe it, either! All this time, we had been going to ice cream socials to try to locate Agreeable Lovers!)
- Make sure your cellphone is nearby and fully charged. You will want to brag to your bestie afterward about all the amazing things you did, but you will be too weak to leave the bed. Also, maybe you’ll want to take a pic or two. We hear some people do stuff like that. No judgment here. It might be just the right time to shoot a new LinkedIn profile selfie.
- You can start out in a sexy piece of lingerie or you can cut to the chase and just be naked. Personal preference and all that.
- Now, you will spend the day reenacting the positions you’ve seen in porn, having snacks and drinks and taking long, lovely naps. Depending on your age, the length of time you’ve been with your Agreeable Lover (20 years? About an hour?) you might have lots of sex and a couple of catnaps, or it might be exactly the reverse. No judgment.
So there you have it: Since summer sex is apt to get sweaty, winter sex just might be the one thing worthwhile about winter. Brrrrrring it on!
Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at sophia@curvicality.com.
