I know you won’t believe this, but there was a time when people didn’t take pictures of themselves. The word “selfie” didn’t even exist! You had pictures of yourself on your birthdays, vacations and milestones like weddings and graduations, and that was about it.
Your grandma never, ever got out her Brownie camera* and posed for a picture with the meatloaf she just took out of the oven so she could show it off to all her friends. Tragically, it is likely that not one shot of any of Grandma’s cooking except birthday cakes exists at all.
Today, of course, you document your food regularly, and you could fill a gallery with selfies, but have you documented your nude body?
If you can think of a time in the past when you think you were hotter than you are today, drop everything you are doing, go into your bedroom and take a nude selfie. Immediately. If you think right now is the hottest you’ve ever been, the same advice goes for you. There’s no time to lose!
Oh, yes, we are all in favor of positive aging and loving yourself unconditionally. But the truth is, you very likely will not look better naked 10 years from now. We aren’t saying you’re going to look bad. We are saying that 10 years from now, you will look back at now and know you really had it going on.
Maybe you will be an exception. Maybe 10 years from now, you will be a world-class weightlifter and will have segued into a second career as a plus-size model. Maybe. But go ahead and shoot your nude pic now anyway.
Before we all had smartphones, taking a nude selfie was a little bit harder. It could be done, but seldom was. In the film days, you probably didn’t shoot yourself naked unless you had a darkroom and knew how to use it, or your partner did. Did you want the associate working the counter at the camera shop to see you naked? No, you did not.
I came of age in the pre-smartphone era. But I was a journalism major, which meant that unlike most people, I did have access to a darkroom, and I did (somewhat) know how to use it. All journalism majors had to learn how to develop film and print pictures.** Predictably, many of the guys saw this as a chance to get some nude pics of their classmates.
I knew a guy, a fellow journalism major, who had an idea for a tasteful, artistic photo series that would involve, he said, draping a wet sheet over my naked body. His idea was that a hint of “dark triangle” would show. At this point, I realize, I might need to explain to you what he meant by “dark triangle.” (Are you familiar with the concept of “pubic hair”? Nobody has any now, but it was nearly universal back in the day.)
Seriously, we just grew that stuff out. We shaved the straggly bits that would otherwise poke out the sides of our bikini, but other than that, the garden flourished. His idea was to use the semi-transparency of a wet sheet to slightly veil all that luxuriant growth I had going on. (It didn’t matter that he hadn’t ever been invited to view the garden. He trusted it was there, and he wasn’t wrong.)
Of course, I turned him down. And of course, today, many, many years later, I wish like hell I’d said yes. For one thing, this guy ended up being a world-class photographer. He leads one of those cool nomadic artist lives, visiting a dozen or more countries a year to teach photography and film classes. He has a very impressive Wikipedia page. Maybe if I’d said yes, I’d have merited a line in it: “He first drew world acclaim for his very artistic and very tasteful nude pictures, in which a wet sheet was draped across the hips of a certain noted online author, who at that time had pubic hair.”
Alas, at that time, the very idea of posing nude (even with the benefit of a wet sheet) was absolutely unthinkable. I can’t think of any girl I knew who would have said yes. And so the contours of my young body are lost to posterity.
Sure, I could wet down a sheet and recreate the planned shots today all by myself using my iPhone. Except two kids and many cookies and many years have wrought great changes in the subject matter.*** That garden is not the only thing different today, believe me. I would more closely resemble an actor playing Julius Caesar in a period drama after an unexpected rainstorm drenched the set and got his toga wet.
Fortunately, it’s not too late for the rest of you. Put on some music. (Pandora has a station called “Erotic Sex Music.” I just checked.) Pour yourself a glass of wine or do a few tequila shots … or both. Check out the garden situation and landscape if necessary. You can ask your boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife or partner to wield the camera if you want. But I recommend the selfie route, if only because if your partner is around, they’re likely to keep trying to interrupt your photo session with requests for … well, you know, and this isn’t about that.
It’s not even about showing anyone the pictures. It’s about you creating a permanent record**** of what your body looks like right now. Get into a mood of self-appreciation. Do your hair and makeup. Rub some coconut oil on your body. Then, get creative. Lie on your back on your bed and hold your camera over your head and point down as you look upward and smile in your sultriest way.
Next, stretch out and take a nice horizontal of your whole body. Props are OK if they make you feel sexier. You can even put on that one smutty little piece of lingerie if you want, but I highly recommend you take at least one that unabashedly shows everything. Everything. Even if you have stretch marks or a funny mole or a cesarean scar or anything else. Own it.
Because even if you are unhappy with your body today, something magic is going to happen in 10 years: You will look at your nude selfie and realize you looked terrific. You will wonder why you were unhappy with your body. Gosh, you looked (and will still look) amazing! And then you will have a little epiphany and realize that not only were you good 10 years ago, you are good now, and you will have no regrets. Or, at least, you will be grateful that you don’t look even a little bit like a dripping wet Caesar.
*A Brownie was a popular old-fashioned camera. Don’t get confused by the name. It had nothing to do with brownies, which at that time nobody (except maybe cookbook publishers) ever took pictures of.
**Not the only now-totally-obsolete thing I learned in school.
***Self deprecation is for humor purposes only. We do not advocate self deprecation.
****If you can keep track of it. I’ve got pictures scattered on various old cameras and computers and supposedly in the cloud. God only knows where to find some of them.
About Sophia Sinclair: Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer. In addition, she is the author of The Small-Town Secrets romance series. She does not spend her days taking nude selfies, however. Usually, she’s writing the next book in the series and simultaneously cooking something strange that you’ve never heard of. (Her husband is a fan of absolutely no “normal” foods.)
Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at sophia@curvicality.com.
