Here’s our handy guide! Which New You appeals to Present You the most? Use this (very much tongue-in-cheek!) guide to reinvent yourself.
Possibility No. 1: The Boho Hippie Chick
Perhaps you are a corporate attorney who spends her days wearing power suits in the courtroom but you feel a certain wistfulness for something different. Something less structured. Maybe you’d like to bring out your free-spirited side.
How to hippie: Buy as much tie-dyed clothing as possible. You will also need a pair of Birkenstocks. And don’t forget the long, flowing, maxi dress! Also, assuming you live in a state where it’s now legal, indulge in a puff of marijuana occasionally. Let the scent cling to your clothes so everyone knows at a single sniff that you’re authentic.
At home, you will need to burn incense. After all that marijuana and incense, you’ll certainly need to purify the air with the judicious use of sage smudging. Clear the energies in your space!
You’ll have to change your diet, obviously. You have a few options. You can go vegan (be sure to tell everyone, including strangers on the bus, that you no longer eat anything with a face) or you can start growing all your own food. Maybe keep a few chickens. This will be tough if you live in an urban apartment building, but sacrifices will need to be made if you wish to be authentic. If you do end up with a flock of free-range apartment chickens, you’re going to need a lot of sage and incense to hide the smell. Stock up!
The new soundtrack of your life is, of course, Woodstock – Music From The Original Soundtrack And More. On vinyl, of course.
You’re going to be so groovy.
Possibility No. 2: The Pseudo Intellectual
Maybe you currently love pop culture, but long to be seen as a more serious person. No problem. Just discard everything you own that is fashionable and start wearing some big heavy black hipster glasses.
Start reading the right books. You will know they are the right ones if you have trouble understanding whatever the hell they’re about. Carry around a Noam Chomsky book wherever you go. Learn how to pronounce the name Jean-Paul Sartre and claim to be reading him. Bonus if you can pull off a reasonable French accent when you do it. As a matter of fact, throw in a little French every so often. It gives you that certain je ne sais quoi.
Clothes make the woman! You will have to wear a tweed jacket, of course. And you’ll need to start listening to more classical music. Puccini, anyone?
You will be so intimidating.
Possibility No. 3: The Superior Mommy
Oh, if you’re having a baby, you will love this one! Join every parenting organization there is. Develop some strong opinions about natural childbirth, breastfeeding, attachment parenting and positive parenting, and share them with everyone often. If you’re having a son, make sure everyone knows you’re keeping him intact. Use cloth diapers.
Naturally, you will want to make your own baby food, using all organic ingredients. None of that manufactured garbage for your precious child, obviously!
Stock up on natural wooden toys. No plastic toys will ever be allowed in your house — at least, not for the first year. Right around the one-year mark, you’ll give up and will begin letting your child play with all the plastic crap in the world, the pieces of which will cover your living room floor at all times. This is also the right time to introduce your child to foods like tater tots and frozen pizza, because you will not have slept for a year and you will suddenly be unable to face the thought of pureeing any more organic kale. This is also the right time to begin drinking wine every night.
For as long as you can keep it up, you will either impress or irritate the hell out of all the other mommies you know. Either is a win, right?
Possibility No. 4: The Tech Guru
We know you had to ask your neighbor’s kid to set up your printer and you regularly Google things like “How to make computer go faster.” It doesn’t matter. You can become a tech guru!
It will involve some lying, probably, but begin following some tech-savvy blogs and just say whatever they say. Buy a book like “How to Speak Tech” and memorize it.
One caveat: Sooner or later, someone will ask you to help fix their computer. Avoid this either by quoting them a very high rate (“I can do that, but I charge a billion dollars per hour — is that OK?”) or by telling them their issue can be very easily fixed; so easily fixed that you are going to bring along your neighbor’s kid to demonstrate that even a child can fix it.
Begin wearing a black turtleneck every day. It worked for Steve Jobs.
Talk a good enough game and you might qualify for a fabulous new career in IT.
Possibility No. 5: The Sexpot
Ready to be sexy? You will need some cleavage-baring clothes, some kiss-proof red lipstick and hot nail polish, some daring black lace lingerie and some attitude.
You’ll want to listen to some Marvin Gaye, of course, or whatever music it is that puts you in the mood.
Why not install a stripper pole in your living room? It’s sure to be an ice-breaker for guests!
Read a romance novel. Bookmark the good parts. Let your significant other think you came up with that new idea all on your own.
Lower your voice to a husky growl. You’re doing it right if everyone offers you a cough drop. Start calling everyone “baby” and be sure to hold eye contact with attractive strangers for so long that they begin to think they have something stuck in their teeth.
Practice your sexy walk. Now practice it in stripper heels! Be careful: Crutches and casts aren’t the look you are going for.
If clothes make the (wo)man, spending a few minutes on Amazon with your credit card in hand can change who you are. The good news is, you can change back anytime.
Have you ever reinvented yourself? How did that work out for you? Tell us in the comments!
