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Oh, Ramone! The New Smart Speaker/Virtual Boy Toy That Knows What You Really Want

Curvicality For Shits and Giggles - Our monthly humor piece made especially for you.
I’m launching a new smart speaker called Ramone, and he will be way better than any of his competitors. He’s so much more than a smart speaker. He is also the first virtual boy toy.

Now that we’ve grown comfortable with having Big Tech collect data about literally everything we do, it’s time to make the most of it. With Ramone’s full integration of wearable (and insertable) tech, you’ll enjoy the most personalized attention ever.

Why be satisfied with a smart speaker that can turn off your lights, play music or order toilet paper online?

Ramone will do all that stuff, too, of course, but thanks to a very special interface, Ramone The Smart Speaker/Virtual Boy Toywill integrate seamlessly with various hoo-ha apps in a way that I think you can understand without me going into too much unseemly detail.

No, wait, I’m going to go into unseemly detail. It is what I do, after all. Imagine, with Ramone you can have an e-orgasm whenever you want one! “Oh, Ramone, make me have an orgasm!” you can shout. That’s probably not how you’ll put it, but I’m trying to preserve a tiny bit of decorum here. “Oh, Ramone! More vibrations!” Or even, “Oh, Ramone, tell me I’m such a bad girl!” He will, you know, and he will sound Only. Slightly. Robotic. You can get accents, even (with select subscription plans. Expect to pay more for a French accent, less for German.) The beauty is, once Ramone gets everything just right, you can save that session and request the same exact thing next time.

You might think that’s too invasive, but Big Tech is already screwing you over, so you may as well enjoy it.

We are no longer much bothered that Big Tech knows everything about us. The last thing that managed to shock me was learning that because I use a menstrual tracking app, Facebook knows when I’m on my period. What has Facebook done with this information? I don’t know, but Ramone will take it several steps further.

Ramone will send out a warning text to your family members and co-workers so they know when to avoid you. You’ll also automatically receive a monthly shipment of chocolate, wine and facial tissue. Netflix will suggest a selection of chick flicks, and your local shelter will suggest homeless cats you could adopt. 

You know how annoying it is when men fail to listen to us and don’t understand us. Well, you won’t have that problem with Ramone. He’s perfect that way. (As an added bonus, he will never leave dirty socks on the floor for you, or flirt with other women at parties.)

Want a Real Man? Smart Speaker Ramone can Help.

You needn’t worry about the mess and fuss of a real-life man ever again, but if you actually want one for some crazy reason, Ramone can help you with that. (I’ve designed him not to be jealous.) With Ramone’s seamless integration with dating apps, you will be introduced to the perfect man for you (inasmuch as such a thing as any perfect man exists, other than, of course, my husband.) Ramone knows everything about your sex drive and what kind of porn you and your possible matches like, and isn’t that more important than sharing the same taste in music?

At one time, only the wealthy knew what it was to live with zero privacy. The King of France didn’t even get to poop in peace. His noblemen competed for the chance to wipe his butt. Even now, being an uber-wealthy person with a full staff of servants means others know all the most intimate details of your life — every visitor, every meal, every bit of dirty laundry (figurative and literal). Fortunately for me, I’ve always been poor, and thus privileged to answer my own door, cook my own meals and wash my own laundry. (I’m lucky that way.) But now, even the poor can enjoy a total loss of privacy. Egalitarianism at last!

The possibilities are endless. Oh, Ramone! Compliment my butt! Oh, Ramone, tell me I look cute in these pants! Oh, Ramone, tell me you haven’t been gossiping about me with Alexa!

Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at sophia@curvicality.com.

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