From babyhood, I was always a chubby kid. I was an introvert and an extrovert at the same time. By that, I mean I was a social person, but I was a shy person, too. When it came to my weight, I was raised to accept who I was and I did not have an issue with bullying. I was a very likable person, and making friends was not a problem for me.
I can remember when I was in my teen years, I started to care a little more about my weight and how I looked. I was always a curvy girl, but I wanted to come down in size because I wanted to wear certain clothing.
As the years passed, I adopted the mentality that I was never going to lose weight. It was then I did not love all of me. My weight became my protector. I put on a show as if I didn’t care if others did not like me because of my weight. My weight became my refuge — I hid within myself to cover the hurt and loneliness I felt.
A Love-Hate Relationship with My Body
I know it sounds contradictory, but I hated my body somewhat, even as I loved being a big girl. I was curvy and I was cute, but I did not like being overweight. I loved being plus size with well-proportioned curves in the right places, but it was a problem also, because my family couldn’t afford to buy me clothes.
I started to put others before me and I started letting myself go until I was in an unhealthy state physically and mentally. I would cry in secret about my body size and not being able to lose any weight. I started to abuse myself by getting into unhealthy relationships, and I used gluttony as a coping mechanism. Food became my drug! I was grabbing at those who showed any kind interest in me. Even if I was being used, I engaged in it.
But I didn’t take care of myself. After many years of going down that road, I found myself in a deeper place regarding my weight and health that I felt hopeless, depressed, suicidal and alone. I learned that I was addicted to food, just as one would be addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.
Honesty Was the Basis for Self-Love
Fast-forward to the present time; about three years ago, at the age of 47, I was finally able to be completely honest with myself and admit that I had a serious problem that would kill me early if I didn’t get a grip. I begin to fully accept who I was and own the uniqueness that I bring to the world.
I began to search for the real me, and found my place in my life and in this world. I realized that I was not only living for myself, but for all those that love me. I begin to fall in love with me and who I am! I have been on this journey for about three years now. I had to apologize to myself and learn how to forgive myself. I had to learn how to encourage myself and be my own best friend.
Self Love = Self Care
Once I started doing all that, self-care came easy. At first, I felt guilty putting myself first, but once I spent time with myself, I began to do some research and study about taking care of yourself and the importance of doing so.
- I am finding out a lot about me! I no longer engage in unhealthy relationships.
- I don’t give myself away so easily.
- I don’t feed myself unhealthy and negative words or emotions.
- I am now in control of food; food is not in control of me.
- I don’t batter myself when I have a bad or off day; I don’t wallow any more or go on eating binges.
- I pick myself up and I constantly tell myself it’s OK.
- I learned to tune out the thoughts and opinions of others in my life and what I should do.
- If it doesn’t help me in my growth or better me, I’ve learned to dismiss it without any guilt!
I am Learning to Love Myself First.
I have learned to be my own best friend. All this came by much prayer. I had to really study myself and what works well for me. Now I am finally enjoying my best days and more are ahead of me. I am still in the process and I know that I have a long way to go, but I am enjoying this journey that I am currently traveling, discovering myself.
