Curvicality For Shits and Giggles - Our monthly humor piece made especially for you.
Hello, class! Welcome to “From Hot Mess to Hot Stuff.” My name is Dr. Dimitra Selfieskaya. I hold a doctorate in Instagramology and I’ll be teaching you today how to make yourself look completely unnatural. 

Attend to the video monitor, please. Here you will see the “before” picture of Bianca. As you can see, she looks like a completely normal person. This is unacceptable. This picture would not gather many likes on Instagram, nor is it as swipe-right-worthy on Tinder as we would like.

My team of selfie doctors worked intensively with Bianca, and now you see the result on the new picture on the monitor. First of all, please notice, she has held her phone up over her head. That is the first rule of selfies! Lift your phone as high as you need to in order to get a good angle! You may need to rent a drone. If so, rent one. I offer very good terms on drone rental programs. See me after class.

Second of all, she has raised her eyebrows. Not so highly that she appears to have been surprised by a Bumble date being significantly older and balder than in his profile, but enough to take up the slack in her loose eye skin caused by late nights and tequila. You would hardly know she puts down a bottle of Patron every night. 

Third, look at her lips. Here, she has pursed them to just the proper degree. You have heard many criticisms of the so-called “duck” lips. That is why we no longer recommend them. We now have moved on to the “swan” lips. The result is far better. 

Fourth, note the head tilt. Everyone has an angle that is the most flattering. For most of you, it is straight down, displaying only the part in your hair. However, you may want to show your face. If you do, you must locate your best angle. To do this, start with a fresh, brand-new iPhone with unlimited storage and a good battery. You will need all of it. You will hold out the phone and take approximately 969,204 photos of yourself, each time slightly varying the tilt of your head and the angle and distance of your phone. It will take a while to find the ultimate combination. You may think you do not have the time to do this. Do not be ridiculous. Of course you do. Try experimenting while waiting at red lights, even if you occasionally don’t notice the light has changed and you’re holding up traffic. It is what everyone else does.

Now, for the Selfie Doctors makeup.

Forget this nonsense about the natural look. Do you know what the natural look is? The natural look is what we are here to fight! We do not want to look natural. We wish to look good. In your class materials, you will find a small trowel. I buy them in bulk from a hardware store. You will use this to apply a thick, even coat of makeup. The key is to cover all your problem areas, such as your face.

Next, we have the problem of the boobs.

You are not 14, subsequently, boob sagging is an issue. If you are doing a photo shoot for your Instagram or blog, you will most often be wearing a bra or a bathing suit top, but if you are shooting a pic to sext a new boo, you may be wondering how to take a topless photo that does not reveal saggage. 

The answer is simple: You must learn to stand on your head. If you stand on your head, your boobs will appear very perky, perhaps perky enough to cover most of your face, which is, as I have said, a problem area for most of you.

However, there may be times when you wish to remain upright. I frown on this, as it implies a lack of dedication to taking good selfies. However, there are some other techniques to fight boob saggage. You may cross your arms, carefully pressing your boobs together. Give each boob a lift so they rest on your forearms. This gives the illusion that your boobs live on your upper chest, rather than banging around on the middle of your belly as they normally do when not strictly encased in an underwire bra.

So that is the secret of the face and the boobs. Now, we move onto the butt.

Shooting one’s own ass is an advanced technique, but I will reveal to you how it is done. First of all, make certain your ass is properly waxed. If you have not looked back there recently, you might be surprised what is going on. Get it waxed. 

Next, locate a large mirror, turn your back to it, and lean over. Take note which degree of bendage best suits your bottom. This will vary. If you have very many butt dimples, you may find you need to bend over until your face touches your knees in order to stretch everything smooth. I do not wish to hear any complaints about the difficulty of touching one’s face to one’s knees. This is for art.

Please attend to the monitor again. Here we have as an example the Amy. She is pretty and smiling, but her hair is the issue. It looks normal. She has made the common mistake of washing her hair, using conditioner and then styling it. This is wrong. In your class materials, you will see we have included a hair kit, which includes hair pomade, hair gloss, hair mousse, hair gel, hair wax, hairspray and other stuff that has no name but which you should definitely put on your hair. The manufacturers are running out of names for stuff. Don’t question it, just apply it to your head. I recommend you add some blue or pink streaks occasionally, because the goal is to never resemble yourself. Ideally, your followers on social media will think they have begun following a completely different person each time they check their feed.

The other advantage to doing this is you exponentially increase your chances of finding a new partner. You can actually date each man several different times. He will not notice. Perhaps he found you annoying when you were a platinum blonde with cat eye glasses? Date him again with coal-black hair and contacts. If you do things right, he will never catch on that you are the same person. 

Now we come to the final part of the lesson: The clothing.

Please attend once more to the monitor. Here we have Jennifer No. 5. (There are, of course, many Jennifers.) Jennifer No. 5, you will see, is wearing clothing recently purchased at a mall. This is wrong. You are not qualified to choose your own clothing. You must purchase a subscription service so a trained stylist will choose your clothing and send it to you. Your taste is bad. I know, because I am looking around the room, and I’m seeing bad taste. Do not attempt to claim you have your own sense of style: You do not. Trust me. Most of you would be better off naked. You have noticed the many naked people on Instagram? They are naked for a reason: Nobody has any taste in clothing.

Thank you for taking the class, influencers! You should expect to see your number of followers to go up dramatically after you put my lessons in place, and if you do not, please be aware I also offer another class called “Accepting Yourself Just As You Are.”

Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at

Our model is Rachel Micheletti.

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