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When Your Vagina is a Lot Like A Tractor

Curvicality For Shits and Giggles - Our monthly humor piece made especially for you.
A friend is beginning a relationship that has all the markings of True Love. She’s been celibate for an extended period of time (there are probably nuns with a more active sex life than she’s had in recent years) and she’s perimenopausal. Thus, she’s afraid that things might not work right down there, if you catch my drift. 

Let’s call her … Blanche. 

Blanche is not a casual sex kind of gal, nor does she fall in love easily. Many have come to the door, but few have been granted entrance. That’s just how Blanche rolls, or doesn’t roll.

But Blanche now wishes to roll, if you catch my drift.

Naturally, as the sex and relationships writer for Curvicality and as the author of multiple romance novels, I am eminently qualified to counsel Blanche on this matter.

“You need to check things out down there,” I told Blanche in a phone conversation in which she was, well, freaking out. “It will set your mind at ease to see that everything is in order.” 

Then, because I grew up in a small town full of farmers (and I have set all my romance novels in a small town), I went straight into farm country: “Imagine you are a farmer with an old tractor he or she hasn’t used for a while. It’s nearly spring, and you know you will be depending on that tractor working and working well at all hours of the day and night. You don’t just wake up on the first day of planting season and trust that the tractor, which has been sitting untouched in the barn for a very long time, is going to be in top shape.”

“Wait, are you comparing me to an old tractor?” Blanche asked. 

“In this analogy, yes, your hoo-ha is like an old tractor,” I confirmed.

“I don’t mean anything misogynistic about it. Tractors are good things and society depends on them, OK?

“The farmer is going to make sure his old tractor has a full tank of fuel. He’s gonna check the fluids. Maybe he needs to lube it up. He’s gonna do a test start and see if he can get the thing rolling. Drive the thing around the back pasture a few times. He wants to know that when the time is right, this thing is ready. Now, what you need to do is give your special tractor a trial run. You can do it alone, in the privacy of your own barn. Make sure it will fire right up when you need it to.”

“A tractor, then. That’s what you’re going with,” Blanche said. Blanche is a city girl. She did not learn her birds and bees from watching the cows and goats frolic and hump. Luckily, I can explain it all to her.

“Look, you don’t know when the Big Day is going to happen until it’s here. Neither does a farmer. There are so many factors that go into knowing when the time is right to crank up the old tractor and commence to plowing. Weather, soil temperature, all that stuff. But when it’s time, it’s time. Sex is like that, too. You can’t just mark your calendar and decide that a certain day is when you’ll be ready. But when it’s the right time, you’ll know it.”

(For Blanche, the right time might occur several months into dating, while others reach that point about halfway through their second drink on the first date. Hey, we’re all different.)

It was the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson who said “In the Spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” So you cannot tell me I’m off-base with my old-tractor-in-the-spring analogy. Take it up with Tennyson if you think I have no poetic soul. I bet he’d approve of every word of this piece. (Those old poets were perverts. John Donne wrote a long poem about a hard-on, and Andrew Marvell tried to scare the pants off some virgin by telling her she needed to have sex with him quickly, before she died and began rotting away in a marble vault. Get some culture and get back to me.)

Blanche, I am telling you: You need to prepare. Read some dirty poems. I’ve helpfully linked to a few above. If you’re of a slightly less literary bent, watch a little porn. (I guaran-f’ing-tee you, if Andrew Marvell were alive today, he’d be up to no good on the internet.) If the old machinery doesn’t gear up as it once did, go buy some lube. (Maybe don’t buy that product at the farm supply store.) How’s your motor running, Blanche? Hitting on all cylinders? Good girl! No more shall your fields lie fallow, Blanche! Spring is coming, and soon, you will be, too. (Too much? Can only pervy old poets say such things?)

Follow my advice and have a field day. Then, and only then, will you be ready for a good plowing.

Vaginal Vocab Cheat Sheet

How to refer to a vagina:

Vagina

Down There

Old Tractor

Hoo-Ha

Here’s to helping Blanche get her groove back!

Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at sophia@curvicality.com.

 

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