Frankly, I didn’t either. But that was my mistake. Because it turns out that several manufacturers have answered the call to incorporate vaginal health and pleasure into your monthly service plan.
Just Kegel Me
First we have the Perifit, a “kegel app exerciser” that is also a video game. Maybe you’ve played video games using a joystick. Well, this is just like that, except totally different. This product has a controller that you … insert … so you can control the screen action using your pelvic floor.
From the Perifit website: “When you contract your pelvic floor, the bird goes up. When you relax it, the bird goes down.” It is designed for women who suffer from incontinence, prolapse and other pelvic floor issues. In addition, I suppose, it will tighten up the old hoo-ha if you feel yours has lost a little oomph via age, childbirth, etc.
Kegels can be performed anytime and anywhere. So I’ve tried very hard to train myself to clench my vagina instead of my teeth anytime I feel tense. I’ve assumed that the level of stress I deal with daily, if combated with kegel contractions, would have me qualifying for the Vagina Olympics in no time.
Alas, my dentist tells me I’m still gritting my teeth far too much. My gynecologist hasn’t once remarked that my muscle tone is unusually amazing, either. So it’s probable that I’d actually benefit from having a game on my phone that would make kegels fun.
Currently, if I have a little unexpected downtime, I whip out my phone and check my social media feeds. But I couldn’t just whip out my phone and play a little Perifit game anytime I was stuck in a waiting room. A lot of establishments post signs asking you not to eat or drink in their waiting rooms. We can probably assume they won’t hesitate to amend their signs if they find it necessary:
“No eating or drinking OR INSERTING STUFF INTO YOUR VAGINA in this waiting room.”
Or maybe I should just keep it in there all the time. But I can’t even keep track of the crap in my purse. I lose stuff. I could just imagine forgetting where I’d stashed the danged Perifit.
Excited About ‘Doing the Numbers’?
And then there’s the Lioness. It comes with (no pun intended) a rabbit-style vibrator* and it gives you a digital readout in real time that shows you what your orgasm looks like. You can get all analytical about your masturbation sessions and crunch all the data. Whew, I’m getting hot just imagining the spreadsheets I could make!
Beyond this, there are all kinds of apps that claim to enhance sex. One allows you to lick your screen and transfer that sensation to a toy being used by your partner in a far-off city. (At least, we’re assuming it’s a far-off city. We cannot see the point if he or she is just upstairs.) Personally, the idea of licking my germy iPhone does the opposite of turning me on, but we’re all different, aren’t we?
There are apps that allow your lover to control your sex toy action from afar, or while sitting across from you in the booth of the restaurant where you’re both having dinner, in which case your challenge will be to try not to give anything away while ordering an appetizer.
I can already envision my old age, in which I will be a famous sex columnist, possibly beaming my ancient wisdom across the cosmos.
“In ancient times,” I will write, possibly in a universal language that is understandable even by those in distant galaxies, “humanoids were forced to pleasure each other using only their own (usually) naked bodies, without benefit of technology or hardware. Primitive humans were unable to keep records of their orgasms, so no analysis at all could be done. Much experimentation was necessary in order to learn how to pleasure oneself and/or others. Now, of course, every citizen is issued the Universal Orgasmatron at age 18, so there’s no need to fumble around with another person at all, and complete sexual satisfaction is universal.”
Internet of ‘That Thang’?
But for now, I remain a skeptic of the Internet of Things. If you have a smart toaster, the Russians have probably already hacked it, and are using their knowledge of how dark you like your bagels in nefarious ways you cannot possibly imagine.
Do you really want to make it possible for the Russians to hack your sex toys, too? Isn’t it enough that they’re allegedly involved in our elections? Do you trust them to stay out of your vagina? You’d never really be sure if they were to blame anytime you failed to reach orgasm. (“It’s not you, dear, I swear. It’s the Russians.”)
On the other hand, we all decided a long time ago that we were willing to ditch privacy in return for convenience. So bring it on. And if you think I look a little too entranced by my phone, well, there just might be a reason for that.
*In case you don’t know what a rabbit-style vibrator is, let us assure you, it is not a sex toy for bunny rabbits.
Have you ever tried a sex-related app? What was your experience? Share it with us!
Sophia Sinclair is Curvicality’s sex and relationships writer and the author of the Small-Town Secrets romance series, available on Amazon. Reach Sophia at sophia@curvicality.com.
