Column/Da Queen of Curves: ‘Sexy for Your Damn Self’

If you don’t know who I am, let me start with this: I’m a pretty well-known plus-size pole fit instructor. My videos have had more than 60 million views combined. 

Sis, I’m telling you this for a reason. Most people are like “I can’t believe you can do that,” whether they’re plus-size or not. And then they say, “How do you make yourself look so sexy on the pole?”

This monthly column is my space here on Curvicality, a space dedicated to helping you feel empowered.

What I’m about to say is really important, so listen up. 

Sexy is a state of mind.

I know you’re coming to this column from different places and different walks in life. Maybe you used to be thin, maybe you never were, maybe you’ve been ridiculed about your size all your life. Regardless, there’s one thing I don’t want to hear: “Ro’Yale, I won’t feel sexy until I lose weight.” 

Size should have nothing to do with your ability to feel dope about yourself.

I don’t give a damn what size you are. Sexy is not about how you look. If you can master a sexy state of mind, you’ll exude that confidence in your physical form.

I do it every day, and you can, too.

When I see my beginner students struggling with confidence, I know immediately what the problem is. They don’t believe it inside. They don’t believe they can actually be sexy. 

That might be you.  

When Mary Beth Cooper (Curvicality’s founder) came to Atlanta to film with me for the November issue of Curvicality (yes, you can watch the video next month), she really struggled with this exact concept. She hopped on the pole, tried to be sexy, and felt … well, not sexy. 

In her own words (yes, she really said this), “I was clomping around that pole like a Clydesdale show pony.” 

That’s normal. Nobody comes into class for the first time, not even myself, with the “IT” factor. As the class went on, Mary Beth relaxed and began to let go. (You’ll see this amazing footage next month.) 

Get the “IT” Factor

Letting go. That, my friend, is the key to feeling sexy in your own skin. You’ve got to let go of everything you think you are supposed to be — and be unapologetically you.

I know what you’re going to ask. “How do I do that?”

You do that by becoming more comfortable with who you are. It’s a feeling.

Letting go is not caring how you may look to other people. It’s allowing yourself to grow as a person when learning something new. It’s forgiving yourself for making mistakes along the way. It’s moving your body freely with no regrets. It’s walking through life with purpose.

You’ve also got to find what gives you confidence. It’s different for everyone. When you honestly feel more assured, you’ll emanate sexiness. Your confidence will be a light others can’t ignore. 

It might be dressing in a way that makes you feel awesome, dancing to a song you love without thinking, trying a pole-fit class like I teach, trying some type of dance or flexibility class, or anything else you’re drawn to. 

One thing I know is that you are sure as hell not going to find it envying others or sitting on the couch wishing you felt better about yourself. You have to move past your comfort threshold and get out there and try things. Live, Sis. 

I was super confident in my younger years. But after being married, having a child and gaining weight, I put my confidence on the back burner and put my energy into doing everything for everyone else. That’s a dangerous road to walk. You start to lose who you are without even knowing it. Then one day you look around and say to yourself: “Who the f*#k am I?”

Yes, that’s what happened to me. 

I knew I needed to do something different. Something crazy. But I didn’t know what. I knew for damn sure I wasn’t jumpin’ out of no plane. Hell no! That’s not my type of crazy. (At least, not yet.)

I was watching YouTube videos late at night and came across a video of a famous pole-fit instructor (Fiyastarta, the owner of Vertical Joe’s where I teach) and fell in love with how powerful she looked. I wanted that for myself. 

I took that leap and started taking classes. And no, Sis, I wasn’t really good at first. Walking in heels was hard as hell. (Now I can walk better in heels than I can in flats. #DAB) I kept going to class every single day, and even though I was progressing slowly, I stuck with it. I was so in love with the overflow of confidence from all the women I was around at the studio. Being around other confident women with such positive energy helped me to relight my flame. 

What I’m saying is that if you want to get your grown woman swag back, you’ve got to stop the internal sabotage. Surround yourself with other women who have what you want. I could have quit my pole-fit class, but I didn’t. If I did, I wouldn’t have made an impact on the world. And now I’m one of the most admired plus-size fitness influencers around, all because I found the confidence to step out of my comfort zone. 

I don’t care if people think I’m sexy or not. I’m sexy for my damn self. 

In closing, I want you to remember something. Never define your sexiness based upon what others think or say. There are so many different versions of sexy. Find yours. 

See you next month! In the meantime, check out this video that I did for Barcroft TV. You can also find me on Instagram @daqueenofcurves.